Divorce During the Holidays? Here’s How to Survive (and Maybe Even Enjoy) the Season

Hello everyone, I am your dedicated public holiday assistant. Recently, a little friend consulted me about the title of how to prepare for holidays during a divorce. Now I will summarize the relevant problems, hoping to help the little friends who want to know.

Let’s be real—going through a divorce is tough. Going through a divorce *while the radio is blasting “Jingle Bell Rock” and every store smells like pine and cinnamon*? That’s a whole other level of tough. But here’s the thing: you can actually get through the holiday season with your sanity intact. It takes some planning, a little bit of grace, and maybe a lot of deep breaths. So pull up a chair, grab some cocoa (or something stronger, I don’t judge), and let’s talk about how to prep for the holidays when your marriage is ending.

First off, let go of the “Perfect Holiday” fantasy. You know the one—the picture-perfect scene from a movie: fireplace crackling, kids laughing, beautifully wrapped gifts, and behind-the-scenes, you and your ex sharing a loving glance. That’s not happening this year. And honestly? It wasn’t happening last year either, because that’s not how real life works. The sooner you stop comparing yourself to a Hallmark special, the sooner you can build something that actually feels good for *your* new reality.

If you have kids, the number one thing you need to do is talk to your ex—early and calmly. Don’t wait until the week of Christmas to figure out who has them for dinner. Trust me, that’s a recipe for disaster. Sit down (or hop on a video call) and hash out a holiday schedule in advance. Write it down. Agree on drop-off times, pick-up spots, and whether you’re each doing your own gift exchange on the same day or splitting the day. If you can’t agree, consider using a co-parenting app or even a neutral third party to help mediate. The goal isn’t to “win” the holidays—the goal is to give your kids a stable, low-drama holiday.

And here’s a big one: don’t compete with your ex. I know, I know—it’s tempting to go overboard on gifts or plan an epic “make every Christmas dream come true” event to show the kids that you’re the fun parent. But that’s going to backfire. Kids are smart. They feel the tension, and they’ll start feeling like they have to choose sides. Instead, coordinate on gifts and keep the focus on making them feel loved, not on outdoing your ex. You can even create a shared wishlist so you’re not both buying the same iPad.

Now, let’s talk about *you*. It’s easy to get so caught up in logistics that you forget to take care of your own heart. The first holiday after a split hits differently. Memories of Thanksgivings at your in-laws, New Year’s kisses, and the annual ugly-sweater party with all your couple friends—those can sting. Give yourself permission to grieve. It’s okay to cry in the car after dropping the kids off. It’s okay to skip the party you used to host. But it’s also okay to accept an invitation from a friend who’s been checking in on you. Isolation is your enemy. Find one or two people you can be real with and let them in.

One of the smartest moves I’ve heard from people who’ve been through divorce is to create *new* traditions. You don’t have to keep doing things the same way because that’s how you always did them. Try something completely different! Maybe you volunteer at a soup kitchen on Christmas morning—that’s an amazing way to shift your focus outward. Or go on a solo road trip over the long weekend. Or start a weird little tradition like eating takeout Chinese food in your pajamas while watching cheesy action movies. When you make new rituals, you’re telling yourself: “This is a new chapter, and I get to choose what it looks like.” That’s honestly empowering.

Budgeting is another thing that sneaks up on people during divorce holidays. Money is tight because now you’re supporting one household instead of splitting everything. Plus, legal fees. Ugh. The good news is, you can still make the holidays special without blowing your savings. Set a firm gift limit *before* you go shopping. Use a white-elephant gift exchange or do homemade gifts. And remember, kids care way more about your presence than the price tag. Baking cookies together, watching a movie, or building a fort in the living room—those moments beat a $200 present any day.

If you’re the one who’s *not* spending the actual holiday with your kids, that can feel like a punch in the gut. First, know that it’s normal to feel sad, jealous, or even angry. Don’t bottle that up. But also try to reframe it. You can celebrate on a different day—call it “Christmas Eve Part Two” or “Hanukkah Rescheduled.” Kids love getting two celebrations. And on the actual day you’re alone, plan something that brings you a little joy. Call a friend, go to a movie, take a long hike, or sleep in. Do not sit at home staring at the clock and feeling sorry for yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, but trust me, action beats rumination every time.

Also, watch out for social media. Seeing everyone’s “perfect” family photos with snowman-shaped pancakes and matching pajamas can make you feel like you’re the only one on Earth eating cereal alone. That’s fake, people! Nobody posts the meltdown behind the scenes. Limit your scroll time during the holidays. Unfollow accounts that make you feel like crap. Follow dog accounts and holiday decoration failures instead—way more honest and way more fun.

Let’s talk about handling questions from relatives. If your family is anything like mine, they’ll ask, “So where’s your husband?” or “Are you seeing anyone new?” at the most awkward moment. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Have a go-to line ready, like, “We’re taking some time apart, and I’d rather not get into it today. How about those football games?” Or, “He couldn’t make it—have you tried the sweet potato casserole?” You don’t have to lie, but you also don’t have to open up your emotional wounds as holiday dinner entertainment. Boundaries are your friend.

When it comes to the divorce itself, try not to schedule major legal battles during the holidays if you can avoid it. I know the court calendar doesn’t work around your feelings, but if you’re still in the middle of negotiating, maybe gently ask your attorney if anything can be pushed to January. The holidays are stressful enough without a contentious custody hearing sprinkled in. And if you *must* handle court stuff, treat yourself to something nice afterward—like a massage or a really good burger.

Questions related to how to prepare for holidays during a divorce

You’re not alone in wondering about the nitty-gritty. A lot of people ask things like: “How do I split holidays with a narcissistic ex?” “What if my ex and I get along but the kids are still sad?” “Should I bring a date to the family gathering?” “Is it okay to skip the holidays altogether?” Let me answer a few of the biggies. If your ex is high-conflict, keep all communication in writing and stick to a consistent schedule. Don’t negotiate over the phone; use text or email so you have a record. If your kids are sad, validate their feelings without badmouthing your ex. Say, “I know this is hard, and it’s okay to be sad. We’re all figuring this out together.” That goes a long way. And a date? Unless you’ve been dating for a while and are serious, keep your new partner out of holiday events with your kids this year. It’s too soon. Your kids are already adjusting to a huge change—don’t add a new face to the Thanksgiving table just yet.

If you’re thinking about skipping the season entirely—checking out, sleeping through December, saying “holidays are canceled in our house”—I get the impulse. But it won’t help. It actually makes things worse, because when January rolls around, you’ll regret missing out on the chance to build small, meaningful moments. Even if you just put up a little string of lights and bake one batch of cookies, you’re showing yourself that life still has sweetness in it. That’s a huge win.

One more thing: practice saying “yes” and “no” without guilt. Say “no” to the office party you dread, the church potluck where everyone asks about the divorce, and the gift exchange with your ex’s extended family. Say “yes” to a walk in the park, a movie marathon with your kids, a spontaneous gift to a lonely neighbor, or a Zoom call with a friend who lives across the country. The holidays after a divorce are a time to reclaim your autonomy. You get to choose what feels good. You don’t have to keep all the old traditions alive just because they’ve always been there. And you don’t have to prove to anybody that